W E E K 1 8 / grief & gratitude

After an overwhelming response to my instagram stories yesterday, I felt as though a story that moved so many past, present, and future mothers needed a more permanent/accessible home.

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     This morning I went to a routine appointment with my high risk OB with Lily in tow. I’ve spent hours in worry over this appointment, dreading it for days. After having bad ultrasounds yield bad news, bad scans followed by good news, good scans still resulting in loss, and all the feelings of the “normal” scans in between, I just get extremely anxious about peeking behind the veil. There was no rhyme or reason to fear, especially now that I feel movement so often, but that didn’t stop me from crying the whole drive there.  

      I was called into the ultrasound suite quickly and in just seconds felt a sense calmness return as I saw feet wiggle and heard a perfect heartbeat. These scans are checking for cervical changes, not for issues with our actual baby, but seeing life is all the reassurance I need. My exam continued and Lily giggled as we watched little Bean flip and roll, the epitome of health. At 18 weeks, only half way or less, that baby looks so perfect, so ready to live and breathe. It’s amazing.   

     The only changes to my cervix were good ones (a very low placenta moving slowly but surely higher), the gender of our bookend was confirmed (announcement coming eventually), and the tech told me to dress (meaning she didn’t think the doctor would have any additional concerns). So I went back to the foyer to wait for my consultation.   

     Lily and I waited and played with a little girl, then snacked, then identified the names and colors of all the flowers on the digital picture frame, and then waited some more. I was called back and the doctor came in with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. “I’m so sorry for your long wait, I promise I’ll be fast - good news is always fast. Not every mama gets good news.”   

     The rest of the day I’ve felt like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. I’m so incredibly grateful that little babe and I had a “good news” check up today. It’s a feeling I don’t take lightly in the least.   

     I still haven’t posted or shared much about my pregnancy this time around. It’s been a challenge emotionally and physically, and I’ve struggled to process all of these feelings without coming across as ungrateful or whiny. As much as I would want to exude joy this last pregnancy of mine, I haven’t. There have been tears and anxiety and pain involved with flashes of delight here and there. And I don’t want to be phony and fake just for the sake of sounding grateful. So while I still hope to one day blog and share more of this experience and might eventually get the courage to do it, today I marvel at our Bean. I’m full of gratitude, praising our maker for carrying us through the hard days week by week as we approach viability and beyond. 

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